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The funniest thing

Hurrah! I get to tell my favorite story!

Twirly carefully lays out a soft blanket on the floor, sitting cross-legged, puffing her long, flowing skirt out over her knees. Straightening up, she motions for all the standers-by to come join her on the blanket.

This is a tale from way way back in my sophomore year of college. You know, 2005. Perhaps you've heard it before, but I shall spin the tale, nonetheless, to entertain old and new listeners alike.

It was fall semester. I was taking a class called Wildlife Issues in the New Millennium. (What? It was a science credit!) Despite the name, it was actually very interesting material. The lecture itself, however, was NOT very interesting. However, one day a week, he showed a video in class and gave us a questionnaire for each video. One question from each of these questionnaires was on the exam. Being the grade-grubber I am/was/am striving to be, I, of course, showed up to each class to make sure I had all the lecture material handy. Luckily, I'd recently acquired a free laptop to keep me entertained in the non-pertinent parts of the class.

Now, when I say it was "free," well, there was a reason. It worked, sure. Much in the way a tornado is a gust of wind, it worked. It took small amounts of ritualistic dancing and minor insect sacrifice to get it turned on everyday, but once it was going, it generally kept it up. But, it was always a crapshoot. In order to give you hard numbers with which to envision this... it was a Compaq Presario 1200. The freakin' 2100 was already outdated at the time! It choked on Windows 98.

At any rate, I was one of the few students who actually attended every class, sitting right up in the front, feigning attention while really reading LiveJournal and chatting with friends. But the professor saw me there, assumed I was attentive, and gave me leeway when I slept through the second exam appeared to like me. Plus, hey... this was 2005. Not everyone HAD a laptop yet! I was chic. I was sophisticated. My laptop, I thought, was my tool and my best friend.

Halfway through the semester, I would find out it was actually my downfall and my foe.

This one fateful day, class was ending and I was getting ready to pack up and move on to my next class. I began the lengthy process of coaxing my laptop into "sleep" mode so I could safely store it in my backpack while in transit. As it did, more often than not, it refused to be subdued. My will to fight, however, was weakened by a nagging bladder and a 15-minute class change time. In desperation, I held down the power button, but to no avail. It simply would. Not. DIE. So, cursing under my breath, I grabbed that hunk of belligerent technology and trudged toward the single-stall unisex bathroom at the front of the lecture hall.

As I entered, I realized the door did not lock. Oh well, I thought to myself, I'll just put my backpack and computer right in front of the door! That way, if someone tries to come in, they'll hit them first and I'll have time to say something to stop them! It was only later I would discover the door opened not inward, but outward, any my plans at thwarting would-be intruders were ineffective.

Now, at this point, you may think you see where this is going. Oooooh no, my friends. You would be sorely mistaken.

I dropped my drawers, both over and under, and wedged them securely around my ankles. I sat on the pot and did my thing. - brief interlude - When I was done, I reached for the toilet paper and wiped. Much to my dismay, it came back smeared with red. Shit. Is it that time of the month already? Okay, well, I have a pad in my backpack, so I'll finish cleaning myself and trudge over there.

Not wanting to soil my underpants with bloodstains, I waddled over to my backpack, drawers still around my ankles, and retrieved a pad from the pouch. As I was doing this, my laptop suddenly began emitting this piercing high-pitching WHIRR sound. Fantastic. I tucked the pad under my chin and opened up the laptop to press and hold down the power button until the infernal noise stopped. It would bow to my will this time!

At this EXACT MOMENT IN TIME, the door flies WIDE open.

There I am: naked from the waist down, pants and underpants around my ankles, feminine pad tucked under my chin, leaning over a computer (seemingly surfing the web or something, I don't know?), DIRECTLY in front of the door. With a VERY surprised college-aged male standing there staring at me from about two feet away. And two rows of students from the next class doing so from their seats. The kid who threw open the door stammered. I looked and him. He looked at me. Time froze.

After a few stunned moments, I managed to stutter, "C-C-C-CLOSE THE DOOR!" He nodded and did so. I finished up as quickly as I could and gathered up my things. I seriously considered addressing the class afterwards, explaining the situation. Surely they'd understand, right? Yeah, likely not so much. Besides... that would ensure they'd recognize me later. No, I did the wise thing- I RAN out of the bathroom and through the classroom doors, leaving the last of my dignity awash in my wake.

I didn't need it, anyway, right?

Comments

( 22 — comment )
eqfe
Mar. 5th, 2008 12:47 pm (UTC)
Thanks you made my morning. Its always interesting what happens to be at the top of the audience folder when I open it up.
twirlandswirl
Mar. 5th, 2008 12:50 pm (UTC)
You're welcome! Glad I can be entertaining. :D
scully_trustno1
Mar. 5th, 2008 01:04 pm (UTC)
"ROFL" simply does not cover it.
houseof_leaves
Mar. 5th, 2008 03:53 pm (UTC)
IAWTC

I probably would have DIED if that happened to me.
taybar19
Mar. 5th, 2008 01:21 pm (UTC)
Oh my
kittenboo
Mar. 5th, 2008 02:08 pm (UTC)
great entry!
imafarmgirl
Mar. 5th, 2008 03:11 pm (UTC)
OMG, that is the best entry ever! Best one you've written anyway. So very funny!
twirlandswirl
Mar. 5th, 2008 03:11 pm (UTC)
Heh, thanks!

You can't make this stuff up....
(no subject) - blackfroggy - Mar. 5th, 2008 04:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
tulip_in_yellow
Mar. 5th, 2008 05:51 pm (UTC)
Oh man, if I could tell you how hard I laughed! I felt so sorry for you too! Nice entry that causes sympathy and laughter :)
lilmissmagic71
Mar. 5th, 2008 06:27 pm (UTC)
*laughs heartily*

Oh boy... that was good.
burned_rose
Mar. 5th, 2008 10:02 pm (UTC)
LOL. awesome. did I ever tell you about the time that my ex's father, who did re-enacting with me, walked in on me, butt naked, spread eagled, post sex, while his son was in the bathroom? it's an amazing story where I held an entire conversation with him for 5 minutes.
cruciatus_x
Mar. 6th, 2008 06:12 am (UTC)
I need to hear this in more detail.
burned_rose
Mar. 6th, 2008 06:37 am (UTC)
ok.

So, my ex and I had just finished doing the nasty and I way laying there, butt naked, still spread eagled, waiting for him to finish doing whatever it is guys do in the bathroom post sex so i can go in there and pee and clean myself up. As my ex left the bathroom, he left the door open ajar. Just a crack. Mr. B walks up the stairs, and, assuming I'm his son, he walks in. I sit up, legs still spread like I'm at the doc's.

He, of course, gets embarressed and start to walk out, but a question arose to my mind. I did revolutionary war re-enacting with my ex and his father and his father was in charge of the van that our unit used to keep track of everything - tents, kitchen flys, etc etc.

"hey Mr. B!" I called out. He turns back around. "The re-enacting event this weekend - is it a full two days or just a day thing?"

"two days."

"Sweet," I reply. "Do we have any extra tents? Do they even have a tenting ground? Will TJ (his son) be camping out as well?"

And for 5 minutes, perhaps more, I talked with mr. B regarding sleeping arrangements at the event that weekend after having just fucked the living daylights out of his son. It was awesome.
puppetmaker40
Mar. 6th, 2008 01:53 am (UTC)
Wow. That was just ...well I can't come up with the words.

I have a very vivid image of what happened so you told the story very well.

Nicely done.
superhappytime
Mar. 6th, 2008 02:23 am (UTC)
I'm sorry....as soon as I heard you were a sophomore in 2005 I got all jealous and started to wish I was young again...I lost focus.

This was actually pretty hilarious, and that's saying something, because (as a male), I'm usually frightened and confused by any stories that get into feminine product territory....
monkeysugarmama
Mar. 6th, 2008 05:22 am (UTC)
OMFG!!!

That was AWFUL...in a completely hilarious way!

What a freakin morning. I mght have been tempted to transfer to a new school :)

Great story!
wildcatwrites
Mar. 6th, 2008 04:39 pm (UTC)
And I thought I had some embarrassing moments in life! Too funny!!! You tell a great story!
spydielives
Mar. 6th, 2008 11:55 pm (UTC)
I love this story!
roina_arwen
Mar. 9th, 2008 02:36 am (UTC)
Oh dear. Not sure why the door would open outward, but... um... yeah.
(Deleted comment)
morning_stand
Mar. 10th, 2008 04:29 am (UTC)
LOL.. that was hilarious.. I am sorry to say this but I am glad that didn't happen to me lol. I wouldn't have been able to ever look that guy in the eye again.
( 22 — comment )